二十歲的最後一天

選擇在hall，跟自己對話。

 

最近心情挺低落，沒緣故的。就是甚麼都提不起勁的。

剛開學，就一堆開sem飯，真的不知道為何要吃，真的很例行公事，完全的social…不是才剛在暑假吃完嗎？

真的，甚麼人也不想見，甚麼事也不想做。

說實話，他們的飯局，對我是一種壓力。

可以讓我做自己嗎？放過我，好嗎？

真的不願再妥協，我真的累了。

不想讀書，就連lab也不願做。踢波，也不是特別的快樂。

人生好像沒有意義了。

我找不到我能填上顏色的地方。

爸媽依舊這樣煩，真希望他們會改變。

我有病，也不願跟他們說，有甚麼事，也不願跟他們傾訴，他們是成功的父母嗎？

妹總算跟我親近了，而這是開心的。

 

在許多人的眼中，我的生命總是被羨慕著。我由小到大讀的是名校，接受的是非常好的教育，音樂造諧和運動方面也不錯，成績也能維持在中上。但他們看不見的，是我所承受的心理壓力，我被剝奪的童年、自由…就算我考了演奏級，現今的人大多只聽流行音樂，只有彈流行歌，彈結他的，天份才稱得上高，才被崇拜。從來，我的行為舉止只在那「乖」的規範中，曾經叛逆過，但跟其他人相比，才稱不上叛逆。從來不跟父母傾訴，因為換來的只是「為我好」的教誨。自從沒再上鋼琴課後，我失去了我惟一能傾訴，詢問意見的成人。其實，每個人也有情緒的，我看似沒有，只不過是我把它抑壓了。但現在，我不知道這是否正確，因為永遠受傷的，總是只有我。

現在的我，只希望我的存在是有價值的。

希望二十一歲的我對未來不要再如此迷惘。

生與死

這學期開始讀HUMA1000，第二課便探討安樂死。

這星期想了很多。

一個人，營營役役，勞碌一生，退休後，沒有人生目標，幸運的話還有老伴，要不自己一個，也許還有一兩個知己。但這是在過日子，消耗生命，而不是完成自己心願，有衝勁、期望地過每一天。每天也是得過且過，沒有期待，也沒有失落。這樣的日子非常平淡，但，有趣嗎？

這樣活著的意義是甚麼？

為何就不早點了結自己的生命，這樣又不用浪費資源，又不用強迫自己過日子，不是嗎？

最近對人生已經無甚希望，找不到活著奮鬥的意義，也許三十歲我已經經歷我所期待的事情，那就再沒有理由留在這世上，看著社會慢慢地變態，畸型，失去應有的價值，被金錢理益所控制，看著一個又一個曾經天真爛漫的同學墜落…罷了。

何必活著？讓自己不斷的傷心、流淚？

失望

從美國回來後，妹改變了很多，跟父母的關係好像也變好了，然後我開始憧憬以後我們能繼續這樣平凡的生活下去。認真的想過，甚至下定決心，先當一年RA再報PhD，這樣就能先待在家多一年才到國外多年…

但，我好像太天真了…

今天黃醫生打來跟媽說情況有點複雜，然後媽又再說一輪，我沒有把自己的身體照顧好…

你腦袋進水，為甚麼說得好像我很想生病，更何況，現在甚麼原因我們也不知道，如何能斷定是我的問題？難道就不能是基因出現問題。

你說我很晚才睡，我白天已經沒有私人時間，惟有用晚上你們都睡了的時間。白天的時候，已經為了在香港生存，連喘息的機會也沒有，你究竟想我怎麼樣…

晚上跟朋友吃飯，八點才吃，十一點多回來，已經被罵，是怎麼樣？不想麻煩爸接我回來，搭巴士從後門走回來，你也有意見，原因是鬼月，你說笑吧。我是不是不需要社交生活。

你想怎樣，總會有借口的。

真的，很累。

難道你們就是不能尊重我的個人意願？能否不再要求我按照你們的方式生活，讓我走自己希望走的路，可以嗎？

你堅持這樣的話，只會把我越推越遠。

而我，不會後悔。

About exchange

I know I don’t think like others do, I know I make myself a bit different from the crowd.

But I just don’t understand.

You probably only have once in your lifetime to be an undergraduate exchange student (unless you study for more than one undergraduate degree), but you probably have numerous chances to go around the world, to go different trips after you graduate and work.

Right now for most of the Hong Kong students, the money we spent are from our parents. Unlike in the States, the students here work a lot and pay their expenses. Hong Kong students do become tutorial teachers, but their income seldom can cover their expenses. Don’t even mention to pay their tuition fees.

So you go on exchange, but half of the time you are not on campus, but somewhere around in that continent.

Seriously, what is the purpose? What is the primary aim of exchange?

For me, my exchange is really to feel the difference in education and research in the States, enjoy the life in this city, but possibly for many people, they just want to make use of this chance and go on vacations.

I just don’t feel good when spending lots of my parents’ money. I don’t even dare to think of buying another plane ticket and go around the West Coast. After you graduate and you go on vacations, what you spend is your money, but not your parents’, wouldn’t this feel better? Do they feel guilty for all these spending during exchange? I don’t feel so.

They just never feel bad, and think that I’m the weird one.

In some sense I think they’re the weird one. Who goes out and play nonstop when they’re studying. You can do this when you’re having a holiday, but not skipping all classes and make the holiday yourself. Skipping 2-3 weeks classes, are you kidding me.

If you are not here to improve and make yourself a better person, why are you in University then?

Maybe I’ll never understand. But who cares.

2016/3/18 隨筆

直至今天，才突然發覺，自己好像有點過份堅強。也許是倔強。

青少年反叛期開始，不斷努力掙脫父母的束縛，日日夜夜搞對抗。真的，如果哪天我跟我媽沒吵架，是奇蹟，然後家𥚃異常安靜。我媽蠻堅強的，但我會把她弄哭。

從前，習慣了，有甚麼問題就告訴媽媽，但永遠，她不會安慰，只會叫我如何反省。是對的人生態度，但絕對不是對的時候。漸漸的，我不再告訴她任何事，除非是無關痛癢的，因為我不想換來指責。

發生甚麼事，相信的，只有自己。真的處於臨界點，頂多只會找coco訴訴苦。曾經會找piggy，但上大學後，她太忙了。

有天跟爸不知說起甚麼，然後他一臉正經的問:你也會有失眠的時候嗎？

那一刻，我真的不知道該笑還是該哭。媽的我那時已經不知失眠了多少次，失眠到數數字已經失效，才會用那個網絡上的方法。

自上大學後，一直也循科研的路走。不像其他人，我沒有參與學會，沒有認識很多的師兄師姐，要找人詢問也沒有。頂多有個trevor，但不熟。倒是有幸認識joyce，有個姐姐照顧的感覺著實不賴，有時也能跟她耍耍白痴打打球。

現在在lab，能跟kevin像朋友一樣的相處，談天說地，也許就是我愛這裡的原因吧。起碼，做得差，罪惡感不大，成功了，還得到讚許。

無緣無故的，在fb，跟edward談起天，總算能有個跟我步伐差不多的人，跟我一起談談未來，大家鼓勵大家。舊室友，也沒有忘記我，有空跟我討論安哲。joyce我也不停和她白痴的用貼圖談天。

在這裡，跟別人說你讀science，biology，他們是滿臉敬佩，而不是不屑。不論讀任何科，在這裡，至起碼，你會得到別人的認同和尊重。

我好像，終於，感受到自己的存在感。我不愛在鎂光燈下，但我仍然渴望有一兩個人記得我。我曾經很懊惱，差不多整支球隊員的生日大家也慶祝，惟獨我未嘗過。

在家，找爸只會是因為有事請他幫忙或處理，通常是電腦，然後就沒有了。我們沒有共同的話題。我嘗試跟他討論車，但他們從來沒有嘗試看或了解足球，因為他們永遠沒有時間。爸永遠只躲在電腦前看他的電影，媽的時間永遠在陪伴做功課和溫習中。

曾經，我有多渴望他們來看我比賽，然而一次又一次的忙碌而拒絕，我早已放棄了。我早已忘記有那一次他們觀看過我的比賽(還是真的沒有)，我沒有一張家人為我拍比賽時的照片，沒有感受比賽時有家人朋友支持的喜悅和興奮。其實我只想讓你知道我在球賽中有多快樂，我希望能讓你們驕傲。

妹有事後，媽會叫我體諒甚麼甚麼的。我當然會體諒，但這樣，我更不願讓他們擔憂，甚麼事也自己吞下去。

也許這就是長大吧。

給父母的信

爸，媽：
其實我不只一次覺得自己在這個「家」待不下去了，而最近這感覺又回來了，而且很強烈。

我用引號把「家」括著，因為從來我在這個「家」都沒有家的感覺。別人在宿舍住久了，會想家，但我是壓根兒不願回去，只覺家是壓力的泉源。這已經三年了。

我知你們都是為我好，但我著實不快樂。

你有見過小孩子生日願望許的是要到沙灘玩耍嗎？但更可悲的是這願望從來沒有人為我完成過。

小孩子渴望有生日會，跟天真無邪的朋友喧鬧，度過愉快的一天。我也有這樣想過。提出了，換來的是到家附近的白石燒烤場，找來親戚們為我慶生。那裡甚麼都沒有得玩，黑漆漆，又多人，算是最不快樂的生日。從此不敢再要求生日會。每年只是與家人買蛋糕、拍照、吃蛋糕的例行公事，甚至連生日禮物也沒有。也許你說一家人能坐在一起平淡的過生活已經很幸福。但在我而言，不，也許我還未到那造詣享受這種幸福。

二十歲了，從來沒有零用錢，從沒感受過「終於儲到錢買xxx」的快樂。就算要求過，得到的是「反正我們的錢以後都是你們的錢」，在朋友眼中，我是經濟不獨立，或有父母無限金錢提供。但說實話，我除了購買日常用品及飲食沒有問准你們外，我買其他任何東西都會先過問，因我認為，花的是你們的錢，要尊重你們。最近室友淘寶，是我第一次沒問准你們便買，至現在也擔心你們會不會責備我亂花錢。其實有時候我也想跟朋友們一樣任性，儲錢買自己喜歡的東西，那樣應該很有成功感。

最近因為exchange和看醫生的事，你真的把我逼瘋了。你越催促我，我就越不願完成。首先，申請户口和信用卡真的很麻煩，為何我沒有一早申請信用卡，然後每次在宿舍網上繳費也要勞煩別人，你不煩我也煩。每一天每一個電話都在重覆說同一堆內容，是你老人癡呆還是你把我當老人癡呆。

看醫生，我也被弄煩了，怎麼好像身體壞了就是我的錯，一定與我有關？你怎不去罵癌症病人沒好好照顧身體。其實身體有很多變化是非人為因素，你就不要每分每秒也在怪罪於我好不？看醫生看了不下二十次，我也煩了。你知不知道其實看醫生很浪費時間。其實我寧願，燦爛活下剩餘的時間，也不要不停的找醫生，因為真的很煩厭。

我真的不明白，為何我要剪頭髮也要問准你，現在頭髮已經能紮起來，有病嗎？還要等兩星期才能剪，靠！

我在家，說要溫習，然後你把我當笑話，我累了，睡著了，又成為笑話。久而久之，我的身體認為在家就是睡，然後在家的效率從此變成零。我要溫習，然後你們總是有的沒的鑽出鑽入，其實你有沒有尊重過在房間的我，知道自己有多大滋擾嗎？你們從來沒有在家營造一個好的學習環境。

其實我真的不快樂。

我愛上了足球，然後你們認為是男孩的運動，常勸我不要看。我小四開始打排球，終於找到一絲快樂和存在感。然後你認為沒有用，力勸我退隊。其實你們有沒有想過我退隊後的人生沒有了很大部分的顔色？

我從小學音樂，考上八級，演奏級，覺得足夠你向別人炫耀，便說其實家𥚃因為你學樂器的開支很大，不讓我繼續上課。然後數年沒有玩，劈頭只會說「其實你不大喜歡音樂」，明嘲暗諷我練習，你認為我還好意思在家𥚃練習嗎？

不知多少年前起，每次比賽、表演，我很渴望你們出席，希望你們為我自豪。即時我三番四次提出，你們也是冷冷的拒絕了。看著別人每次離開也有父母陪伴著，你有想過我心𥚃有多孤單嗎？不知何時起，贏了獎牌，沒有人會稱讚我，然後我找不到贏的意義了。

但我習慣了。

我不再需要家，我只需要跟著自己的步伐走。然後不知道有哪一天你會踏進來，然後安排一切，把我的計劃都打亂了，然後我惱火急升，結果是又被你罵了。

我學會了，我會躲，逃走，到一個你不能再插手我的事的地方。
2015.12.01

I am who I am.

Instagram to me, it’s like my own diary. I’m posting for myself, for record, so I can look back in the future. My purpose is not to get ‘Likes’.

Someday, Jacq and SzeWing both said coincidentally that they can know my life through instagram.

To me, if you don’t want to see my posts, just unfollow me. I don’t give a shit.

No matter how you see, I’m gonna be who I am. I will only change when I think I needa change to become a better person.

Not posting something on instagram doesn’t make me a better person, at least to me. Oppositely, it records my life, allow me to look back, and reflect, and to improve.

I actually think instgram recording my life helps me.

 

Stressed.

Oh yes. I’m stressed again.

Shortly after midterm period (-31/10), I spent about a week to finish my 30% psychology paper, and I thought I’d have a break.

But no. Melody suddenly got injured(4/11, the day I should never forget), and she only have a friend who can speak Canto, and that’s me. She’s my friend, of course I have to obligation to help her whenever she needs. Yup. She need me to translate. I accompanied with her to the hospital with Jacq (I was scared from the bottom of my heart when I saw how her patella was dislocated, but I couldn’t show it out at all. My first time on the ambulance as well.). I waited in emergency room with her for ~2 hours, I sent her up to the Orthopedics ward. After 2 days, I accompanied her when she was discharged from public (bad) TKO hospital and transferred to private (good) Tsuen Wan Adventist Hospital. (FYI, I stay on campus, in Clearwater Bay, it approximately takes 35 min of drive by taxi/$150 taxi fare) Oh, and the day I helped her, I was supposed to attend 1500 Organic Chemistry, and when I accompanied her to Tsuen Wan, we arrived at around 1400, and her friend came to the hospital by MTR after class, and she arrived at 1500 (WTF?!) So I was late for class (I spend $150 for taxi back school too). No lecture video, just poor quality recordings. I simply was too exhausted mentally and physically. That Friday, I was too exhausted after class, but I still have to take care my cancer cells, I went for a nap after my quick dinner, cuz I just can’t open my eyes. So I was late for football training, and I got black face from my coach. Thanks.

Things seem to get a bit better when Mel’s parents came to HK to take care of her. At least I would feel better to leave her alone there. And my labmates decided to have some sports when boss is away, so they booked badminton court. Finally I played badminton again, not with my sis, but some others, for around 2 hours. (muscles got super tired afterwards, Julio is way too good.) That was Monday, and we played again on Friday (Oh my, we’ve gone crazy…)

So after midterms, I decided to pick up my lab work again, to finish everything. And failures came in again. NCCIT K.O. PARP just wouldn’t grow at all. And last week, I redid everything again, and somehow, my cells got contaminated AGAIN. (OMGGGGGG) Time to redo again. And I look at the calendar, I got about 2 weeks left before my finals. (Seriously?!?!?! where’s my break? How can I finish in 2 weeks?)

Another thing, my roommate lost her room card, but she didn’t want to pay first, just to bet her luck on sb would find it and return to the school. So whenever she came back, she’d rang the bell, which is super duper annoying. She came back late. One night she rang the bell at midnight 04:30!!!! On a Saturday morning, she rang at 07:30. This seriously interrupts my sleeping…I was kinda mad.

I joined the orchestra, and I have to play solo with the soloist (Wow, one of the first in life) I just got too frightened. Luckily with a few more practices I’m getting used to it. Hope it goes well this Saturday 🙂 Playing clarinet again, playing in Orchestra first time in my life, just makes me happy 😀

For the exchange thing, it was definitely bothering me. The courses I wanted to take I have to ask someone to remove the restrictions for me, and for plane tickets, my mom is definitely stressing me up. Not to talk about the visa, she has been pushing me, which is super annoying. So on 16th I went to Consulate General of US in HK by 0830, I woke at 0630. This obviously gave me bigger black eye-bags.

Oh, and my mom have been urging me to see Chinese doctor and Western doctor in these few weeks, which have been too repetitive, and made me mad.

And the ultimate stress is, only around 3 weeks is left, I have just finished watching lecture videos for Genetics, but I understand nothing for Organic Chemistry, Molecular Biology. And I have a Chinese paper with 2500-3500 words to turn in.

I have a performance this Saturday, I have USF on Sunday morning.

Can I still stand.

It’s time to turn on the engine and clear things up.

 

I am raised this way

Everyone is voicing out for LBGT, equal marraige.

During the Facebook campaign of changing profile picture into rainbow colours, I joined too.

I’m really not against this, I agree on this too.

I hope everyone can find their true love and get married, despite of gender, race…

I always think myself as an open-minded person. But something strikes me these days.

One of my football teammates get into a relationship, with the same gender.

So I was counting, among our football team, with the most recently one, a total of three persons are now having an affair with the same sex, two people had it. None of us have/had relationship with the opposite gender. Do people get together with same gender when they started to think it’s ok? When people around them are doing the same?

To me, a person without any love experience yet, I have totally no idea what love is. I just doubt, how would you differentiate between love and like. So when you’re with your close friend, you’re happy, you can talk whatever with him/her, you wanna protect and help him/her whenever they have difficulties, is this love? Or just friendship? Would you suddenly think, ok, I’m lonely, I want a partner, and I’m happy with my friend, so I’ll ask him/her out, no matter their gender?

What’s the line?

Seems to me that, close friends are always of the same gender, cuz some closer things to talk to, and the boundary between love and friendship in the old days are, you don’t have super close friends with opposite sex, and you don’t have love relationship with same sex.

Yes. I was raised this way. In this traditional mindset. Cuz I’m born before twenty first century. And I’m an Asian.

I respect all those who come out. But every time I heard the news, I just get super shocked. Shocker when I heard my friend is in a relationship with the opposite sex. I just can’t hold myself from thinking this. I thought I’m open minded. I always think that. But seems deep inside me, I can’t accept the fact at the first instant. I have to ‘digest’ it for a few days.

Or is this normal? For everyone?

These days everything, every principles I was told, how I was raised, began to turnover by others. My world is spinning.

Probably the only way I can get a solution is to fall in love. (Mission impossible…)

Call me old-school

Yup. I admit it. I’m old-school. So what?

I insisted on printing every pages of lecture notes (except the super useless ones), I insist on jotting notes done with my pen and paper, unless I didn’t have time to print the notes out. I insisted to buy textbook instead of using ebook (I know this is a waste of money and paper, but since I have that budget, why not when it can improve my studying efficiency).

I like talking on phones instead of texting (though I texted a lot just becuz all my friends like to). I like talking face-to-face. I like writing (though I’m really bad at it). I like recording everything in my life (though I failed at it for uncountable times).

I guess this shows a person’s personality and attitude. How well you respect the tradition/custom/history, as well as how well you care the process but not the result.

Just another common saying, people rely on technology way beyond they should that made them become the slaves instead. It’s time to take back our control, to appreciate on the goods of technology but not to dependent on it.

No more fast-food culture even in studying. Please.
Enjoy the time of learning through reading, but not watching video clips.