給父母的信

爸,媽:
其實我不只一次覺得自己在這個「家」待不下去了,而最近這感覺又回來了,而且很強烈。

我用引號把「家」括著,因為從來我在這個「家」都沒有家的感覺。別人在宿舍住久了,會想家,但我是壓根兒不願回去,只覺家是壓力的泉源。這已經三年了。

我知你們都是為我好,但我著實不快樂。

你有見過小孩子生日願望許的是要到沙灘玩耍嗎?但更可悲的是這願望從來沒有人為我完成過。

小孩子渴望有生日會,跟天真無邪的朋友喧鬧,度過愉快的一天。我也有這樣想過。提出了,換來的是到家附近的白石燒烤場,找來親戚們為我慶生。那裡甚麼都沒有得玩,黑漆漆,又多人,算是最不快樂的生日。從此不敢再要求生日會。每年只是與家人買蛋糕、拍照、吃蛋糕的例行公事,甚至連生日禮物也沒有。也許你說一家人能坐在一起平淡的過生活已經很幸福。但在我而言,不,也許我還未到那造詣享受這種幸福。

二十歲了,從來沒有零用錢,從沒感受過「終於儲到錢買xxx」的快樂。就算要求過,得到的是「反正我們的錢以後都是你們的錢」,在朋友眼中,我是經濟不獨立,或有父母無限金錢提供。但說實話,我除了購買日常用品及飲食沒有問准你們外,我買其他任何東西都會先過問,因我認為,花的是你們的錢,要尊重你們。最近室友淘寶,是我第一次沒問准你們便買,至現在也擔心你們會不會責備我亂花錢。其實有時候我也想跟朋友們一樣任性,儲錢買自己喜歡的東西,那樣應該很有成功感。

最近因為exchange和看醫生的事,你真的把我逼瘋了。你越催促我,我就越不願完成。首先,申請户口和信用卡真的很麻煩,為何我沒有一早申請信用卡,然後每次在宿舍網上繳費也要勞煩別人,你不煩我也煩。每一天每一個電話都在重覆說同一堆內容,是你老人癡呆還是你把我當老人癡呆。

看醫生,我也被弄煩了,怎麼好像身體壞了就是我的錯,一定與我有關?你怎不去罵癌症病人沒好好照顧身體。其實身體有很多變化是非人為因素,你就不要每分每秒也在怪罪於我好不?看醫生看了不下二十次,我也煩了。你知不知道其實看醫生很浪費時間。其實我寧願,燦爛活下剩餘的時間,也不要不停的找醫生,因為真的很煩厭。

我真的不明白,為何我要剪頭髮也要問准你,現在頭髮已經能紮起來,有病嗎?還要等兩星期才能剪,靠!

我在家,說要溫習,然後你把我當笑話,我累了,睡著了,又成為笑話。久而久之,我的身體認為在家就是睡,然後在家的效率從此變成零。我要溫習,然後你們總是有的沒的鑽出鑽入,其實你有沒有尊重過在房間的我,知道自己有多大滋擾嗎?你們從來沒有在家營造一個好的學習環境。

其實我真的不快樂。

我愛上了足球,然後你們認為是男孩的運動,常勸我不要看。我小四開始打排球,終於找到一絲快樂和存在感。然後你認為沒有用,力勸我退隊。其實你們有沒有想過我退隊後的人生沒有了很大部分的顔色?

我從小學音樂,考上八級,演奏級,覺得足夠你向別人炫耀,便說其實家𥚃因為你學樂器的開支很大,不讓我繼續上課。然後數年沒有玩,劈頭只會說「其實你不大喜歡音樂」,明嘲暗諷我練習,你認為我還好意思在家𥚃練習嗎?

不知多少年前起,每次比賽、表演,我很渴望你們出席,希望你們為我自豪。即時我三番四次提出,你們也是冷冷的拒絕了。看著別人每次離開也有父母陪伴著,你有想過我心𥚃有多孤單嗎?不知何時起,贏了獎牌,沒有人會稱讚我,然後我找不到贏的意義了。

但我習慣了。

我不再需要家,我只需要跟著自己的步伐走。然後不知道有哪一天你會踏進來,然後安排一切,把我的計劃都打亂了,然後我惱火急升,結果是又被你罵了。

我學會了,我會躲,逃走,到一個你不能再插手我的事的地方。
2015.12.01

給父母的信

I am who I am.

Instagram to me, it’s like my own diary. I’m posting for myself, for record, so I can look back in the future. My purpose is not to get ‘Likes’.

Someday, Jacq and SzeWing both said coincidentally that they can know my life through instagram.

To me, if you don’t want to see my posts, just unfollow me. I don’t give a shit.

No matter how you see, I’m gonna be who I am. I will only change when I think I needa change to become a better person.

Not posting something on instagram doesn’t make me a better person, at least to me. Oppositely, it records my life, allow me to look back, and reflect, and to improve.

I actually think instgram recording my life helps me.

 

I am who I am.

Stressed.

Oh yes. I’m stressed again.

Shortly after midterm period (-31/10), I spent about a week to finish my 30% psychology paper, and I thought I’d have a break.

But no. Melody suddenly got injured(4/11, the day I should never forget), and she only have a friend who can speak Canto, and that’s me. She’s my friend, of course I have to obligation to help her whenever she needs. Yup. She need me to translate. I accompanied with her to the hospital with Jacq (I was scared from the bottom of my heart when I saw how her patella was dislocated, but I couldn’t show it out at all. My first time on the ambulance as well.). I waited in emergency room with her for ~2 hours, I sent her up to the Orthopedics ward. After 2 days, I accompanied her when she was discharged from public (bad) TKO hospital and transferred to private (good) Tsuen Wan Adventist Hospital. (FYI, I stay on campus, in Clearwater Bay, it approximately takes 35 min of drive by taxi/$150 taxi fare) Oh, and the day I helped her, I was supposed to attend 1500 Organic Chemistry, and when I accompanied her to Tsuen Wan, we arrived at around 1400, and her friend came to the hospital by MTR after class, and she arrived at 1500 (WTF?!) So I was late for class (I spend $150 for taxi back school too). No lecture video, just poor quality recordings. I simply was too exhausted mentally and physically. That Friday, I was too exhausted after class, but I still have to take care my cancer cells, I went for a nap after my quick dinner, cuz I just can’t open my eyes. So I was late for football training, and I got black face from my coach. Thanks.

Things seem to get a bit better when Mel’s parents came to HK to take care of her. At least I would feel better to leave her alone there. And my labmates decided to have some sports when boss is away, so they booked badminton court. Finally I played badminton again, not with my sis, but some others, for around 2 hours. (muscles got super tired afterwards, Julio is way too good.) That was Monday, and we played again on Friday (Oh my, we’ve gone crazy…)

So after midterms, I decided to pick up my lab work again, to finish everything. And failures came in again. NCCIT K.O. PARP just wouldn’t grow at all. And last week, I redid everything again, and somehow, my cells got contaminated AGAIN. (OMGGGGGG) Time to redo again. And I look at the calendar, I got about 2 weeks left before my finals. (Seriously?!?!?! where’s my break? How can I finish in 2 weeks?)

Another thing, my roommate lost her room card, but she didn’t want to pay first, just to bet her luck on sb would find it and return to the school. So whenever she came back, she’d rang the bell, which is super duper annoying. She came back late. One night she rang the bell at midnight 04:30!!!! On a Saturday morning, she rang at 07:30. This seriously interrupts my sleeping…I was kinda mad.

I joined the orchestra, and I have to play solo with the soloist (Wow, one of the first in life) I just got too frightened. Luckily with a few more practices I’m getting used to it. Hope it goes well this Saturday 🙂 Playing clarinet again, playing in Orchestra first time in my life, just makes me happy 😀

For the exchange thing, it was definitely bothering me. The courses I wanted to take I have to ask someone to remove the restrictions for me, and for plane tickets, my mom is definitely stressing me up. Not to talk about the visa, she has been pushing me, which is super annoying. So on 16th I went to Consulate General of US in HK by 0830, I woke at 0630. This obviously gave me bigger black eye-bags.

Oh, and my mom have been urging me to see Chinese doctor and Western doctor in these few weeks, which have been too repetitive, and made me mad.

And the ultimate stress is, only around 3 weeks is left, I have just finished watching lecture videos for Genetics, but I understand nothing for Organic Chemistry, Molecular Biology. And I have a Chinese paper with 2500-3500 words to turn in.

I have a performance this Saturday, I have USF on Sunday morning.

Can I still stand.

It’s time to turn on the engine and clear things up.

 

Stressed.