About exchange

I know I don’t think like others do, I know I make myself a bit different from the crowd.

But I just don’t understand.

You probably only have once in your lifetime to be an undergraduate exchange student (unless you study for more than one undergraduate degree), but you probably have numerous chances to go around the world, to go different trips after you graduate and work.

Right now for most of the Hong Kong students, the money we spent are from our parents. Unlike in the States, the students here work a lot and pay their expenses. Hong Kong students do become tutorial teachers, but their income seldom can cover their expenses. Don’t even mention to pay their tuition fees.

So you go on exchange, but half of the time you are not on campus, but somewhere around in that continent.

Seriously, what is the purpose? What is the primary aim of exchange?

For me, my exchange is really to feel the difference in education and research in the States, enjoy the life in this city, but possibly for many people, they just want to make use of this chance and go on vacations.

I just don’t feel good when spending lots of my parents’ money. I don’t even dare to think of buying another plane ticket and go around the West Coast. After you graduate and you go on vacations, what you spend is your money, but not your parents’, wouldn’t this feel better? Do they feel guilty for all these spending during exchange? I don’t feel so.

They just never feel bad, and think that I’m the weird one.

In some sense I think they’re the weird one. Who goes out and play nonstop when they’re studying. You can do this when you’re having a holiday, but not skipping all classes and make the holiday yourself. Skipping 2-3 weeks classes, are you kidding me.

If you are not here to improve and make yourself a better person, why are you in University then?

Maybe I’ll never understand. But who cares.

About exchange

2016/3/18 隨筆

直至今天,才突然發覺,自己好像有點過份堅強。也許是倔強。

青少年反叛期開始,不斷努力掙脫父母的束縛,日日夜夜搞對抗。真的,如果哪天我跟我媽沒吵架,是奇蹟,然後家𥚃異常安靜。我媽蠻堅強的,但我會把她弄哭。

從前,習慣了,有甚麼問題就告訴媽媽,但永遠,她不會安慰,只會叫我如何反省。是對的人生態度,但絕對不是對的時候。漸漸的,我不再告訴她任何事,除非是無關痛癢的,因為我不想換來指責。

發生甚麼事,相信的,只有自己。真的處於臨界點,頂多只會找coco訴訴苦。曾經會找piggy,但上大學後,她太忙了。

有天跟爸不知說起甚麼,然後他一臉正經的問:你也會有失眠的時候嗎?

那一刻,我真的不知道該笑還是該哭。媽的我那時已經不知失眠了多少次,失眠到數數字已經失效,才會用那個網絡上的方法。

自上大學後,一直也循科研的路走。不像其他人,我沒有參與學會,沒有認識很多的師兄師姐,要找人詢問也沒有。頂多有個trevor,但不熟。倒是有幸認識joyce,有個姐姐照顧的感覺著實不賴,有時也能跟她耍耍白痴打打球。

現在在lab,能跟kevin像朋友一樣的相處,談天說地,也許就是我愛這裡的原因吧。起碼,做得差,罪惡感不大,成功了,還得到讚許。

無緣無故的,在fb,跟edward談起天,總算能有個跟我步伐差不多的人,跟我一起談談未來,大家鼓勵大家。舊室友,也沒有忘記我,有空跟我討論安哲。joyce我也不停和她白痴的用貼圖談天。

在這裡,跟別人說你讀science,biology,他們是滿臉敬佩,而不是不屑。不論讀任何科,在這裡,至起碼,你會得到別人的認同和尊重。

我好像,終於,感受到自己的存在感。我不愛在鎂光燈下,但我仍然渴望有一兩個人記得我。我曾經很懊惱,差不多整支球隊員的生日大家也慶祝,惟獨我未嘗過。

在家,找爸只會是因為有事請他幫忙或處理,通常是電腦,然後就沒有了。我們沒有共同的話題。我嘗試跟他討論車,但他們從來沒有嘗試看或了解足球,因為他們永遠沒有時間。爸永遠只躲在電腦前看他的電影,媽的時間永遠在陪伴做功課和溫習中。

曾經,我有多渴望他們來看我比賽,然而一次又一次的忙碌而拒絕,我早已放棄了。我早已忘記有那一次他們觀看過我的比賽(還是真的沒有),我沒有一張家人為我拍比賽時的照片,沒有感受比賽時有家人朋友支持的喜悅和興奮。其實我只想讓你知道我在球賽中有多快樂,我希望能讓你們驕傲。

妹有事後,媽會叫我體諒甚麼甚麼的。我當然會體諒,但這樣,我更不願讓他們擔憂,甚麼事也自己吞下去。

也許這就是長大吧。

2016/3/18 隨筆