I am raised this way

Everyone is voicing out for LBGT, equal marraige.

During the Facebook campaign of changing profile picture into rainbow colours, I joined too.

I’m really not against this, I agree on this too.

I hope everyone can find their true love and get married, despite of gender, race…

I always think myself as an open-minded person. But something strikes me these days.

One of my football teammates get into a relationship, with the same gender.

So I was counting, among our football team, with the most recently one, a total of three persons are now having an affair with the same sex, two people had it. None of us have/had relationship with the opposite gender. Do people get together with same gender when they started to think it’s ok? When people around them are doing the same?

To me, a person without any love experience yet, I have totally no idea what love is. I just doubt, how would you differentiate between love and like. So when you’re with your close friend, you’re happy, you can talk whatever with him/her, you wanna protect and help him/her whenever they have difficulties, is this love? Or just friendship? Would you suddenly think, ok, I’m lonely, I want a partner, and I’m happy with my friend, so I’ll ask him/her out, no matter their gender?

What’s the line?

Seems to me that, close friends are always of the same gender, cuz some closer things to talk to, and the boundary between love and friendship in the old days are, you don’t have super close friends with opposite sex, and you don’t have love relationship with same sex.

Yes. I was raised this way. In this traditional mindset. Cuz I’m born before twenty first century. And I’m an Asian.

I respect all those who come out. But every time I heard the news, I just get super shocked. Shocker when I heard my friend is in a relationship with the opposite sex. I just can’t hold myself from thinking this. I thought I’m open minded. I always think that. But seems deep inside me, I can’t accept the fact at the first instant. I have to ‘digest’ it for a few days.

Or is this normal? For everyone?

These days everything, every principles I was told, how I was raised, began to turnover by others. My world is spinning.

Probably the only way I can get a solution is to fall in love. (Mission impossible…)

Call me old-school

Yup. I admit it. I’m old-school. So what?

I insisted on printing every pages of lecture notes (except the super useless ones), I insist on jotting notes done with my pen and paper, unless I didn’t have time to print the notes out. I insisted to buy textbook instead of using ebook (I know this is a waste of money and paper, but since I have that budget, why not when it can improve my studying efficiency).

I like talking on phones instead of texting (though I texted a lot just becuz all my friends like to). I like talking face-to-face. I like writing (though I’m really bad at it). I like recording everything in my life (though I failed at it for uncountable times).

I guess this shows a person’s personality and attitude. How well you respect the tradition/custom/history, as well as how well you care the process but not the result.

Just another common saying, people rely on technology way beyond they should that made them become the slaves instead. It’s time to take back our control, to appreciate on the goods of technology but not to dependent on it.

No more fast-food culture even in studying. Please.
Enjoy the time of learning through reading, but not watching video clips.

Alone is exhausting

Just feel like, I can’t stand anymore. I’m used to be alone, but sometimes, you hope someone can tear off your mask, to show they understand what is deep inside you.

Instagram is not a place where I can post all my feelings, cuz there are some people that I’m referring to but following me.

Need some space of my own, to escape the reality. Lucky to have internet.

Life is hard. Though I’ve been a lot luckier than some others.

Have been persisting in my road to a researcher, but just feels like along the way, I’m losing my friends, simply because they don’t understand me.

Being in lab, definitely need to sacrifice something, just as everything does.

But seems like, what I have to sacrifice, is my time and bonding with parents and friends.

With all my responsibilities, I’m getting exhausted. I’m lost. ‘What if…’ questions are always asked in my mind these days.

I have no room to lose again.

Something strikes me these days. I thought it is normal for my teammates to forget to celebrate my birthday. But seems. No. It’s not normal. They remember every others. Except mine. They just typed ‘Happy Birthday’. That’s all I get.

I know I’m paradoxical. I don’t like celebrating birthdays, but deep in my heart, I hope someone would, cuz this shows my position in their life. I’m kinda important. You can say I’m too sensitive, but this is how you guess others’ are thinking isn’t it.

I have always thought I integrated well with them, but no. Not at all. Cuz I’m bad-tempered on the pitch? Or because I can’t help in relationship problems? I hope someone can answer my questions.

I just feel super helpless.

I never know I’m that bad in personal relationships.

Like Why.

Whenever I’m with friends (those I think are, but not sure if they felt the same as I do), I feel like I’m always the one helping, accommodating them, but ‘Why always me only?’, and ‘Why they still don’t treat me as friends?’