When your dream doesn’t come true…

It’s 3:26 in the morning, and I’m still widely awake, just because I’m still accepting the fact that one of my dream is not achievable anymore.

Since I got into university, I’ve always aimed at graduating with first class honor. I’ve even told my parents I’ll get it to show that I’m capable. But in fact, I’m not. Well, I had a nice start in my very first semester, probably when others are still adapting to university life. That semester is also my only semester without involving in lab work, so I simply study + 2 hrs football, just like my life in US. I don’t solely blame lab work, as I chose to do it. But it’s still hard to accept the fact. Somehow I just lost the aim of my university life. I don’t see the point of studying hard for the next semester. I’d rather maybe read more papers, lock myself in lab. Theoretically, I still have chance, but I need to get a TGA of 4, which I don’t think I can do it with all those 3000/4000 level courses. Looking at my peers, the major required courses for Biology/Biotechnology, somehow, is easier to get better grades, or they just take more humanities, social science 1000 level courses to get a good grade. I don’t blame myself for not choosing those courses that I don’t like, just for good grades, but I just get jealous of others.

I just like the grading system in US, at least my effort paid off, and I can take my time to study. Gosh, HK’s is way too stressful and inefficient.

Well I know I should also blame myself for being lazy, but, I tried my best, and that’s all I can say.

But there’s always one thing I believe: God always has a better plan for me.

I just still need some more time to sink in this fact.

 

When your dream doesn’t come true…

給AD的信

本身真係打算send俾你,不過唔敢,同埋會好odd,所以都係放係到算。講真其實我講嘅野係可以apply落好多人身上…

有啲野,我唔知點開口,加上我講野唔叻,但係我又覺得我有責任去出聲,惟有用文字。我唔知你會聽得幾多入去,但希望幫到手。

我知道呢個世界,周圍都係壓力,尤其係中國人,有邊個阿爸阿媽唔係望子成龍。我地都係小學俾人焗考好成績,咁我大概都估到你阿爸阿媽對你有幾大期望。我明白佢地嘅諗法,但係人生係自己嘅,係咪應該為咗滿足佢地嘅期望而生活?人生係一個過程,所有選擇,冇啱定錯,你嘅選擇,就係你人生正確嘅選擇。你既然選擇咗,就要承擔選擇嘅後果,無得怨。你得一次機會去活你呢個人生,係咪應該花時間去向前望,而唔係不停回頭望,討厭從前甚至而家嘅自己呢?假如冇咗嗰啲事,你點會經歷咗咁多野,你點會係而家嘅你?就算你唔滿足於而家嘅自己,咪諗下未來點樣將自己變更好,而唔係憎以前嘅自己有幾蠢。換轉另一角度,而家嘅你可以指出以前嘅你有咩錯,代表你成長咗。假如連你自己都唔鍾意自己,對自己冇信心,咁仲有邊個會愛你,關心你?你點樣說服其他人你勝任某個工作?如果你覺得自己得,你點都會得,差咗要幾多時間,但係如果連你自己都放棄,你就一定唔得。

你想讀醫,我唔反對,但係我想你問心,你係真係想幫人,不停on call攰死但係見到救到人會有滿足感,係咪就算冇錢去荒山野嶺做醫生,你都會從心而發咁開心。我唔知你有冇諗過,我只係怕,你其實係為咗滿足你阿爸阿媽嘅期望,連自己都呃埋,覺得自己鍾意做醫生。我覺得,二十一歲,係時候為自己人生負責,唔可以再俾其他人嘅意見左右,亦都唔可以咩都賴外在因素,與其去賴,不如諗點樣令自己更強大,連外在因素都影響唔到你。我希望你幻想下,唔洗理所有親朋戚友嘅意見,唔洗理以後生活點,假設你揀乜都得,你最想做嘅工係咩?如果你真係鍾意做某樣野,你就要企硬出聲,話俾你阿爸阿媽知,你自己控制返你嘅人生而唔係佢地控制你。

我個人覺得,你會mental breakdown,係因為你一直覺得讀醫可以得到你父母嘅認同,但係你阿爸不支持嘅態度,令你惟一目標冇咗,你冇咗精神支柱,自然breakdown

一個人真正鍾意一樣野,係會自發去做,好似你讀日文german咁,可以好純粹,為咗開心。

好啦,我廢噏完,希望你可以諗清楚再決定自己嘅將來。

給AD的信