I am my own man.

Wow…Haven’t been writing for long long time. And now I’m here in Berlin, Germany, struggling from negativity these few weeks.

Negativity mainly comes from noise.

  • My classmates are all chatting machines, never stop talking, even during lab practicals
  • My new flatmate is also a person loves talking a lot especially on the phone with her pretty loud voice, when she and another flatmate is here, 1+1 > 2.

For a whole week I simply couldn’t find a place for silence of my own. It was really mentally exhausting. And my ears hurt as well.

 

Ranting all these with mom while facetiming cuz I can’t find anything to talk with them, so it’s my problem again. Thanks. The mistake I made is I shouldn’t even exist in this world.

I hate it when you guys just never learn to let go. First thing to ask me on the phone, comed or not? DLLM you made me don’t want to care this shit anymore. You’re fucking tiring. Before I came I made up my mind to make it good, but since then you’ve started again, my brain just doesn’t feel like listening AT ALL

Can’t you just appreciate a 24 yo kindly asking for your advice before she decide her travel plan, just to be nice and take care of how you feel, becuz she knows you are a control freak which you will never ever admit in your life. Why on earth do I need to book a double room and make me uncomfortable and make me look fucking weird when I can book a single room. Why spend more money just to let people won’t know I’m alone when it’d be obvious if you tracked me. Why say becuz the location of the room would be better if you don’t know shit of how the hotel rooms are internally organized. Why say becuz something unwanted would be there when they can possibly be ANYWHERE they want to be. Just, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN.

Always saying I spent all your money but on the other side keeps saying it’s nothing just spend those money. Always saying I like travelling when it is the only way for me to breathe instead of taking away my own life to survive. I wanted to spend money in a logical way, in a way that all students do, in a budget travel, and you just keep on asking me to spend more to make you feel better. You should be the one to change, not me. Whenver I’m alone, no matter in HK or anywhere else, you won’t feel safe, so Shut the fuck up. You said I shouldn’t travel if I wanted to save money, FUCK YOU. I FUCKING NEEDED A BREAK FROM SHITTY BERLIN. I can’t breathe properly in the last few weeks, becuz of every single shit that bothers me which you think ALL ARE MY FAULT.

LET ME GO. I’M MY OWN MAN.

 

Don’t regret if one day we break ties, because you’re all the cause. And this broken relationship can never ever be repaired.

I am my own man.

Just something I don’t understand

From class, I learnt that in Hong Kong there’s 1 out of 3 people has cancer, especially in the aged. Cancer occurs due to a number of important genes mutated, where mutations accumulate with age. A professor has said, humans naturally only live till around 60, but because of medical advancement, with all those vaccines, medicines, the average age of human is now around 80.

So now I wonder, why should human live over 60.

The retirement age of now is 65 in Hong Kong, but usually around 65, people still possess the ability to work. When they are forced to retire, they have nothing to do at home, they lost the aim of their lives. Thus some aged significantly, and soon died. Just a few do really enjoy life by doing what they like, enjoying time with family. Mostly they just get through days aimlessly, lifelessly.

People have been trying hard to extend the lifespan for whoever it is. Trying to make a seriously ill patient live with all the needles and machines attached on him/her, making her in pain for the rest of life. Or trying to make a lonely patient live his lonely life longer, which he/she doesn’t want. I understand it is the doctors’ role to save lives, no matter how, but somehow the mindset of society: try the best to live longer, always neglects the patients’ will of living, leading to the ‘waste of medical resources and money’. This is brutal, but I would say I’m just stating the fact.

Having been living with my grandpa for more than 10 years. He has never gained respect from my parents and my sister, never been respected by my uncle and aunt as a father, I tried my best to respect him, but he never treated me as one of his grandchildren. He is stubborn, always insist to do whatever he thinks is right, which isn’t. He messed up our home, break the knifes, wet the floor, the chairs, stuff the fridge with things we don’t eat, bring some live frogs, nearly burnt our home. To our family, we hold no love for him, he never cares us and treat us well, so most of the time we just hold grudge against him. Basically everyday he is being scolded, yelled at, just because he repeated his bad habit and messed our home again. And so I wonder, what is the point of him living. No one on this world loves him, my parents care him just because of filial piety, my uncle only sees him as an ATM, my aunt is seldom around.

The point of retirement, living longer, I presume is to allow the elderly to be respected, loved and cared by his/her children and grandchildren and enjoy the life they wanted. But what if they don’t? What if everyday is just a pain, just trying to reach death asap?

They would then just be a burden to both the family and the society, isn’t it?

It is lucky that my grandpa just has high blood pressure, but there are a lot of elderly who has diabetes, Alzheimer, cancer…All those incurable diseases. So?

When to be treated and when not?

Just something I don’t understand

反正我從來也沒有完全相信你的說話

因為妹一早也告訴我她也不完全認同你的話。

很多時候你很快便作出結論,單憑一個人的主觀論述。

也許你以為我跟妹完全一樣,因此莾下定論,但我想告訴你,我跟她南轅北轍。

你很隨意,便能’connect the dots’,為那看得見的結論給一個很合理,但無法證實的原因。對於我一個做科研,事事講求論證的人,是很不能接受或被說服。我一直在順從,只是在敷𧗠你。

罷了,我只是要你來對付我爸媽而已。

我不懂理財?財政表?我靠!

我二十年沒過屬於自己的暑假,你要我工作,你去吧。你說的我都知道,但我也有自己的生活要過。

沒有後悔來找你,但他日我應該也不會再去看心理醫生了。

反正我從來也沒有完全相信你的說話

I wish…

It’s my first USF real home game. Played in HKUST.

The match day when you don’t have to get up super early and travel for 2 hours is just awesome.

Probably I was too excited that I couldn’t sleep last night…

Anyways,

I couldn’t stop the opponent, so we lost the 1st goal.

I couldn’t clear the ball with my left foot, so we conceived the 2nd goal.

Hing somehow didn’t stop the 3rd goal.

Basically that’s it for the game.

3:0, just first half.

To be honest, I really don’t think the opponent is much stronger than us, just they have a ‘star’ player, no. 8. That’s it. What if we have Serena, not sick.

It’s my last season, and of course I want to have better ending position, always wanting to show the world how much we have improved, how good we play. But probably not enough.

After the three goals, I was just too exhausted. Mentally.

How much I wish somebody can tell me:

It was not my fault, it was ok to lose, it was ok to be emotional, to get mad,

It was ok to not shout and motivate the team, ok to not tell your teammates what to do, ok to not put the team over your shoulder,

Tell me I shouldn’t have any expectations on the match, tell me my self-sacrificed injuries are worthwhile, tell me we have already improved a lot, tell me we deserved to get a win…

I tried, I tried hard, but my patience, my persistence, slowly wore off.

4 years, mostly losing games, what’s hurting most is not seeing most other teammates put effort in trainings, some even not attend trainings, and some do come to trainings but improved really slowly.

Most of the time, our team are content with current situation, probably they got used to losing. But I’m not.

I just can’t blame Serena for ditching matches, cuz I understand it is very difficult especially you’re trying to carry the whole team yourself.

I’m really tired, sick of the attitude and enthusiasm.

It’s gonna be my last USF match, and I hope we’ll get a win next week, then I’ll be free.

 

I wish…

When your dream doesn’t come true…

It’s 3:26 in the morning, and I’m still widely awake, just because I’m still accepting the fact that one of my dream is not achievable anymore.

Since I got into university, I’ve always aimed at graduating with first class honor. I’ve even told my parents I’ll get it to show that I’m capable. But in fact, I’m not. Well, I had a nice start in my very first semester, probably when others are still adapting to university life. That semester is also my only semester without involving in lab work, so I simply study + 2 hrs football, just like my life in US. I don’t solely blame lab work, as I chose to do it. But it’s still hard to accept the fact. Somehow I just lost the aim of my university life. I don’t see the point of studying hard for the next semester. I’d rather maybe read more papers, lock myself in lab. Theoretically, I still have chance, but I need to get a TGA of 4, which I don’t think I can do it with all those 3000/4000 level courses. Looking at my peers, the major required courses for Biology/Biotechnology, somehow, is easier to get better grades, or they just take more humanities, social science 1000 level courses to get a good grade. I don’t blame myself for not choosing those courses that I don’t like, just for good grades, but I just get jealous of others.

I just like the grading system in US, at least my effort paid off, and I can take my time to study. Gosh, HK’s is way too stressful and inefficient.

Well I know I should also blame myself for being lazy, but, I tried my best, and that’s all I can say.

But there’s always one thing I believe: God always has a better plan for me.

I just still need some more time to sink in this fact.

 

When your dream doesn’t come true…

給AD的信

本身真係打算send俾你,不過唔敢,同埋會好odd,所以都係放係到算。講真其實我講嘅野係可以apply落好多人身上…

有啲野,我唔知點開口,加上我講野唔叻,但係我又覺得我有責任去出聲,惟有用文字。我唔知你會聽得幾多入去,但希望幫到手。

我知道呢個世界,周圍都係壓力,尤其係中國人,有邊個阿爸阿媽唔係望子成龍。我地都係小學俾人焗考好成績,咁我大概都估到你阿爸阿媽對你有幾大期望。我明白佢地嘅諗法,但係人生係自己嘅,係咪應該為咗滿足佢地嘅期望而生活?人生係一個過程,所有選擇,冇啱定錯,你嘅選擇,就係你人生正確嘅選擇。你既然選擇咗,就要承擔選擇嘅後果,無得怨。你得一次機會去活你呢個人生,係咪應該花時間去向前望,而唔係不停回頭望,討厭從前甚至而家嘅自己呢?假如冇咗嗰啲事,你點會經歷咗咁多野,你點會係而家嘅你?就算你唔滿足於而家嘅自己,咪諗下未來點樣將自己變更好,而唔係憎以前嘅自己有幾蠢。換轉另一角度,而家嘅你可以指出以前嘅你有咩錯,代表你成長咗。假如連你自己都唔鍾意自己,對自己冇信心,咁仲有邊個會愛你,關心你?你點樣說服其他人你勝任某個工作?如果你覺得自己得,你點都會得,差咗要幾多時間,但係如果連你自己都放棄,你就一定唔得。

你想讀醫,我唔反對,但係我想你問心,你係真係想幫人,不停on call攰死但係見到救到人會有滿足感,係咪就算冇錢去荒山野嶺做醫生,你都會從心而發咁開心。我唔知你有冇諗過,我只係怕,你其實係為咗滿足你阿爸阿媽嘅期望,連自己都呃埋,覺得自己鍾意做醫生。我覺得,二十一歲,係時候為自己人生負責,唔可以再俾其他人嘅意見左右,亦都唔可以咩都賴外在因素,與其去賴,不如諗點樣令自己更強大,連外在因素都影響唔到你。我希望你幻想下,唔洗理所有親朋戚友嘅意見,唔洗理以後生活點,假設你揀乜都得,你最想做嘅工係咩?如果你真係鍾意做某樣野,你就要企硬出聲,話俾你阿爸阿媽知,你自己控制返你嘅人生而唔係佢地控制你。

我個人覺得,你會mental breakdown,係因為你一直覺得讀醫可以得到你父母嘅認同,但係你阿爸不支持嘅態度,令你惟一目標冇咗,你冇咗精神支柱,自然breakdown

一個人真正鍾意一樣野,係會自發去做,好似你讀日文german咁,可以好純粹,為咗開心。

好啦,我廢噏完,希望你可以諗清楚再決定自己嘅將來。

給AD的信

Revenge

I tried to forgive, but once again you throw away the chance I gave you to make up for your mistakes in the past.

I thought you have changed because of sis, but in fact you don’t. You never think you’re the problem, you never reflect on yourself.

The only way to make you learn, tough, is to turn your world up side down.

In half year time, I’ll fuck up your life hard, ruin it completely. I’m gonna make you regret from the bottom of your heart from what you’ve done so far. But at that time, you’ll never have a chance to compensate for your mistakes, I’ll let you bring along your regret till the day you die.

I never wanted to be like that. I hate seeing people get sad because of me. At the beginning I even didn’t want to tell you the truth cuz I don’t want to see you guys sad. But now, sorry, I’m gonna make you VERY SAD.

 

What happened? Why did I change drastically?

I got injured in the last USF match vs CityU. I didn’t sprain my ankle myself, it didn’t happen because I mistakenly step over a ball, nor my muscles were tired and it just suddenly can’t hold the posture. The ball hit my ankle hard and forced my ankle to be sprained. I don’t see any point of blaming me in this case, I’ll just call it destiny. Who would ever thought of spraining your ankle just when you try to block the ball from getting near the goal? But then weird thing happens, Dad got mad when he knew I got injured, because he thinks I didn’t take care of my body well. Are you fucking kidding me? So maybe I should just stay home and not workout/play sports anymore, in this case I probably won’t get injured. This is just the same if you blame a pedestrian who was unfortunately hit by a car that they didn’t take good care of themselves, so maybe the pedestrian should never get onto the street. Interesting logic. The next day mum sent me a message, telling me I should lose some weight, because I’m too heavy so I always got injured. Dude, are you insane? For anyone in this situation, no matter how light you are, you’ll get injured.  This makes me wonder if they still carry a brain, or their skull just contain shit. You’ve told me every single day I see you, aren’t you bored? Have you ever tried to see my effort in losing weight? Losing weight is not necessary to eat fucking less, bother people to get you healthy food, working out is also a way to lose weight. You never see I have tried for at least 10 years, it is till a point I have given up. You ever get the feeling from sky high expectation to completely no hope, for a persistent person? You ever try to understand how long does this process take? Have you tried to understand the reason I can’t lose weight other than just blaming me?

You always think from your perspective, changing the meaning of my sentence and accuse me, but never try to understand me from my perspective.

You guys are just fucking annoying and brainless. I’m tired of it. I have given you guys uncountable opportunities, and I can just conclude you guys can never change, simply you’re stupid and stubborn.

I’ll never be grateful for what you’ve done. You’ve completely ruined my life.

Don’t be shocked when I leave without a sign, you forced me to be a villain.

Wait for it.

 

 

Revenge

I just want to be ordinary, that’s it

Have been trying to stand out from the crowd since I was born (or I was forced to), trying to be at the top tier for everything I get my hands wet of. Trying to take up managing or decisive roles. I am glad I had those experiences, which constitute the ME right now. But now, I’m tired of it. And I just want to stay ordinary. Literally, ordinary.

I’m from a normal middle-class family, seems like nothing special. But since I was young, my freedom was stripped off, with my life all about studying and extra-curricular activities (so I have higher chance of getting into a good secondary school). I adapted to that mindset, and continues my life during my secondary school, chasing for fame and pride, trying to reach my parents’ expectations.

Everything just goes fine. I take up roles, be proud of myself, even in university I become core of the Football team and society. We played my first USF match in my last season at HKUST, we lost against HKU, at the last ten or so minutes. I was solely blamed for the losing goal. Well I do take responsibility for it, but not all. I seriously don’t think I should be the only person to be blamed. Anyways, I have been chosen to take the ‘last man’ role since two years ago, but I never know the pressure is that heavy. I get tired of it, of using all my effort on court just to ask people stand at the right position at the right time, doing defense only didn’t maximize my time of playing football. What I like is dribbling the ball, going forward, tackling. Not just shouting. No, I don’t like shouting. I hate it. I hate it. It’s mentally tiring. Seriously, the attackers didn’t do their job well, didn’t score a few when they have golden chances, the wings are not doing just fair on defense. So the lost is all blame on me? Anyways, I’m tired of it, it just feels like my hard work is not being valued.

Looking back at my life, I simply want to lead an ordinary life, sharing the memories that others also have. However, what I had during my childhood is just fucking studying and useless extra-curricular activities. I never know the true meaning of holiday till I’m in university. How pathetic this is. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy time, laugh as a kid. That’s it. Not a big dream right? I wanted to feel care and warmth from my relatives, but no, we’re never close to our relatives. I can’t even remember some of their names. I don’t want to be a smartass, don’t want to be given any expectations or labels. I just want to have my own life. Do what I do, and enjoy every seconds I have.

I wanted to live an extraordinary life, my own path, but I don’t want to be treated extraordinary, and I just want an ordinary environment around me.

That’s just a simple dream, but why on earth is that difficult to achieve.

Let me go. Please.

I just want to be ordinary, that’s it

Commit suicide

What if, my destiny is to commit suicide at a young age?

People have been condemning the act of committing suicide, as they think that life is a gift from God, no one has the power to end lives.

But what if the world is a mess, and need something to wake up the people?

Donald Trump, Rodrigo Duterte, CY Leung being the chief commander of a country or government, violating human rights, creating discrimination within citizens, turning a country from rule of law to rule by law, highest authority ignoring the opinion of citizens……All these just show the world is not the one we are familiar with. The world is not changing in a direction we thought it would have been, before we grew old enough and take over the power. The world is likely to self-destruct before we have a chance to enjoy its beauty.

The elder generation has been saying we should wait till we are in command, to change the world, but not use these radical behaviors to voice out, as they think this is not sticking to the status quo.

But may I ask, if your strategy is working, why does it turn out to be like that now?

What if we can’t save our world before it dies?

There are more and more incidents that teenagers in Hong Kong commit suicide, and media, government officials, have been blaming teenagers’ low ability to face pressure.

But what if their pressure comes from family, society, because of prejudice, incorrect values, incorrect way of teaching, over expectation, too high pressure, violating true meaning of learning for kids and teenagers? The natural desire of kids/teenagers are being suppressed and ignored, they lost hope completely and just want to escape from this shitty world, not to suffer anymore. And perhaps possessing their last bit of hope to the world – awaking the adults that they have been wrong, with their death.

So, should they still be blamed? Be condemned? Or the adults should be blamed and penalized instead?

 

Dear world,

Just stop blaming and judging the people who commit suicide, try to understand the reason behind and solve the problem.

Prevent tragedy happen instead of blaming people for things who have happened.

Also don’t blame/condemn people who commit suicide, they have had a hard time before they decided to die. (Who wouldn’t want to live?)

 

Commit suicide

Just some random thought at midnight

Tomorrow is likely to have typhoon no . 8 hoisted, and I just don’t feel like studying for HUMA1000 quiz.

These days have been pretty much bus, as midterm goes.

 

After a whole month, my life has changed drastically.

Literally,

Completely changed.

I went to see a clinical psychologist, though she didn’t mention out literally, but I think is kinda obvious that I get diagnosed with depression. (plus my knowledge on depression lol)

Obviously get this because how I was being raised. High pressure, elitism, MBA teaching style. Whatsoever.

Have been thinking from time to time.

Why. Me.

Always try to think the answer given by the psychologist: to teach my parents.

But I am just exhausted. I just need a break.

Half year is not long, nor short. Not sure if I can get through it.

From that day onwards, I have never considered myself as lucky anymore. There’s always a trade-off between things that you possess throughout your life. I get what many people want, superficially, studying in prestigious school, can play numerous sports and music, above average language skills……But I’d rather be a normal average kid, if I have a choice.

I was told that I’m sensitive, but I think sometimes I’m just oversensitive. And life gets hard with this, cause I’m always suspicious or concern something.

 

Haven’t been alone for quite some time since roommate Venus is back from Taiwan, so depressed has not visited, not until just now. Throwback to a week or so, I haven’t been really experiencing life, showing much of my emotions. I maybe angry inside, but I just hide it somewhere else again. Also when I’m with others, just feel like I have been wearing a mask and pretend I am happy. Sarcastic.

But I simply can’t imagine how can I show my bad temper in front of others.

 

Just gonna admit the fact that I’m bad tempered.

Mom, Dad, sorry, I can’t be your good girl anymore. (though I’m already not as good as before)

Just some random thought at midnight