Have been trying to stand out from the crowd since I was born (or I was forced to), trying to be at the top tier for everything I get my hands wet of. Trying to take up managing or decisive roles. I am glad I had those experiences, which constitute the ME right now. But now, I’m tired of it. And I just want to stay ordinary. Literally, ordinary.
I’m from a normal middle-class family, seems like nothing special. But since I was young, my freedom was stripped off, with my life all about studying and extra-curricular activities (so I have higher chance of getting into a good secondary school). I adapted to that mindset, and continues my life during my secondary school, chasing for fame and pride, trying to reach my parents’ expectations.
Everything just goes fine. I take up roles, be proud of myself, even in university I become core of the Football team and society. We played my first USF match in my last season at HKUST, we lost against HKU, at the last ten or so minutes. I was solely blamed for the losing goal. Well I do take responsibility for it, but not all. I seriously don’t think I should be the only person to be blamed. Anyways, I have been chosen to take the ‘last man’ role since two years ago, but I never know the pressure is that heavy. I get tired of it, of using all my effort on court just to ask people stand at the right position at the right time, doing defense only didn’t maximize my time of playing football. What I like is dribbling the ball, going forward, tackling. Not just shouting. No, I don’t like shouting. I hate it. I hate it. It’s mentally tiring. Seriously, the attackers didn’t do their job well, didn’t score a few when they have golden chances, the wings are not doing just fair on defense. So the lost is all blame on me? Anyways, I’m tired of it, it just feels like my hard work is not being valued.
Looking back at my life, I simply want to lead an ordinary life, sharing the memories that others also have. However, what I had during my childhood is just fucking studying and useless extra-curricular activities. I never know the true meaning of holiday till I’m in university. How pathetic this is. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy time, laugh as a kid. That’s it. Not a big dream right? I wanted to feel care and warmth from my relatives, but no, we’re never close to our relatives. I can’t even remember some of their names. I don’t want to be a smartass, don’t want to be given any expectations or labels. I just want to have my own life. Do what I do, and enjoy every seconds I have.
I wanted to live an extraordinary life, my own path, but I don’t want to be treated extraordinary, and I just want an ordinary environment around me.
That’s just a simple dream, but why on earth is that difficult to achieve.
Let me go. Please.